I’m no water-colourist, yet, for the most recent performance of Bonus Stage (the live video game talk show at Giant Dwarf), I played a character, Lazarus Spinks, who used them to illustrate the ideas he had in regards to making video game adaptations.
A filmmaker with a keen eye on the market, particularly existing properties within the market, Lazarus Spinks saw an opportunity, and, after examining case studies on recent films like; billion-dollar-earning blockbuster, ‘Warcraft’, the upcoming ‘Tetris’ Trilogy (an actual thing), and the recently announced ‘Minecraft’ film, he came up with a few potential video-game-to-film adaptations.
Below is a transcript of the film ideas that he presented to the Bonus Stage audience on Wednesday night.
PACMAN: THE MOVIE
In this gritty reboot of the franchise, John Pacman (pron. Pacm’n), famed explorer and loveable rogue, heads to the labyrinthine mines of the planet Mars to seek out “Mars Pearls”, which grow in abundance there and can fetch a pretty penny back on Earth.
However the tunnels of Mars are so dangerous, to many, the trip isn’t worth it, as no one comes out alive… Or dead. The dead also do not escape; trapped forever as ghosts, haunting the seemingly endless ‘Pearl Tunnels’ of Mars.
John Pacman, in his space suit and iconic three quarter yellow helmet, heads to Mars to not only bring back a haul of valuable Mars Pearls but also to discover the secret behind the tunnels: who built them and what did they build them for? And does the ‘Master Pearl’ even exist? And if so, does it really endow you with the powers of a God?
Like Blood Diamond meets John Carpenter’s: The Ghosts of Mars with a touch of Daylight starring Sylvester Stallone.
Pacman: The Movie!
FLAPPY: THE FLAPPY BIRD STORY
Taking its structure from Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey, Flappy tells the story of a young bird called to adventure who must leave her normal pipeless world and flap over the threshold into the world of pipes. Many many pipes stand between her and her destiny. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll never finish the film, but each time you watch it, you’ll get a tiny bit further until the film is no longer showing and the only way to watch the film is if someone still has it downloaded on their device.
SUPER MARIO BROS. 2000
Not a sequel, but a reimagining; starring Channing Tatum as Luigi and Jonah Hill as Mario! It will be like 21 Jump Street but in the Mushroom Kingdom! There’ll still be streets, there’ll still be jumping, but there’ll only be 2. Two brothers! Mario and Luigi.
This movie, like the last, will also end in a way that will imply a sequel. Super Mario Brothers 2000 and 22. 22 Jump Street. 22 Mario Jump Street. They’re not 21 anymore.
EDIT: Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum refuse.
EDIT: John Leguizamo has expressed interest.
Tenchu: Stealth Assassins! Set in the beautiful cities of Feudal Japan, two members of the Azuma Ninja Clan, Rikimaru and Ayame must use stealth and ninjitsu to root out corruption and defeat the demon Okage.
If the gorgeous setting of Japan isn’t enough to sell you on this classic Japanese game adaptation, wait till you get a load of the cast already signed on!
Mickey Rooney as Rickimaru, Scarlett Johansson as Ayame, and as the ancient Japanese demon, Okage; Tilda Swinton.
And before you say anything about these casting choices, let me remind you; in the game, Okage is a male Japanese demon, Tilda Swinton’s a woman, don’t say we’re not progressive.
“No one goes into the Candy World and no one comes out, but somebody’s got to be crushing those candies!” Starring Johnny Depp as Gene Wilder playing that weird guy with the long face and the beard, Candy Crush is like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory meets Assassins Creed. Half the film is set in the candy world, half the film is in the real world about someone who’s desperately trying to escape playing the fucking game. Just one more fucking go, just one more…
After his family are killed, his lands stolen and his life all but taken from him. Our hero, once a noble man, becomes a gladiator and fights his enemies and brothers alike in bloodthirsty combat as he strives for his freedom and the chance to take revenge on those that put him there in the first place. A tale of tragedy, bloodshed and survival.
It’s SUPER SMASH BROS!
The ideas above are all potential ideas.
Lazarus Spinks also walked the audience through a few films that are already in production and which will be released in the SVOD realm.
Netflix has a whole slate of Netflix originals coming up!
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG AND FRIENDS
Starring Adam Sandler as Sonic, Kevin James as Dr Robotnik, Chris Rock as Knuckles, David Spade as Tails and Rob Schneider as one of the woodland creatures. (NOTE: Before you ask, yes, Rob Schneider will have one of his great trademark catch-phrase lines that will live on in Schoolyards for years, it’s great. “Fight the Robotnik, you blue knob!”. Schneider always gets the good lines).
Basically, it’s Sonic with the cast of Grown Ups, but this movie has a plot and isn’t just five old friends hanging out getting paid millions of dollars to waste our time.
Not much to say about this one, it’s Goat Simulator starring Adam Sandler as the Goat. Even if you don’t watch it, you’ll never escape the poster, which will be splashed across your home screen every time you log in, whether you like it or not!
ZELDA AND LINK
Coming in 2018, ZELDA AND LINK! Starring Adam Sandler as both Zelda and Link! It’s going to be great! (NOTE: “It’s going to be great!” is the official tagline of the film).
At this point in time, Lazarus Spinks is still waiting to hear back from the studios… Any of them.
UPDATE: Lazarus has heard back from some studios, but it’s mainly about legal issues, mainly cease and desist.